Missions 06 - New Mexico. Worship and Service

6/30 overview - We met at Billy's house and took off, quite a long drive to Tucumcari, where we arrived at the hotels late that night. I was in the van with Billy, Richard, Jojo, Phong, Matt, and Mike. One of the hotel rooms was covered with sleepy bears - the curtains and the bedsheets and even a small chair - just sleepy bears in pajamas playing soccer and skiing and things like that. We ate a Mexican restaurant and everybody at our table got quesadillas. We came back and eventually met in one of the girls' rooms, and Lisa spoke about Psalms 51, I think, how if God is not guiding our journey, then we journey on our own in vain. And how we really need to learn to let go because where we go will be in vain if it is not where God wants us to go or be. There was a pretty huge worship set, and I couldn't help but feel like I was the only one who wasn't really into it, or missing it. I was pretty confused, or at least not really sure what was going on or what would go on. I didn't think I was ready for the trip. I felt like crap, and I eventually grabbed my guitar and played in a corner of Billy's hotel room until they eventually made me go to sleep. I didn't want to have to accept the grace of God. When I got ready to go to sleep, Richard gave up a floor mattress so I could sleep on it. I didn't want to take it, just like I didn't want to take God's hand. After a while of discomfort and fighting with myself, I took the mattress. I had a dream and woke up early the next morning.

(7/1 - 2:21 pm) journal entry
A paradigm shift is commonly very frustrating, though it shouldn't be at all. We get used to comfort, so anywhere else becomes complete chaos, at least for us. And though I had been waiting for this missions paradigm, I'm still caught off guard and stunned, and almsot unsure how much I will get from it.

We travelled from Tucumcari, New Mexico, after getting ripped out of two Suburban SUV's (now, everything is smaller and packed tight). In all truthfulness, it really is nerve-wracking being here, having everything changed. Maybe it's just the people, or maybe it's simply me, but I am unsure whether I will find God in the ways I had imagined - having peace, but most significantly knowing that everything's gonna be okay. I do not know the spiritual validity of having everything be okay - I am not sure I will get it.

I had a dream this morning, that after running around the streets of a city, and seeing someone openly praising and worshipping God, I arrived at the outskirts of the city, met by a bumpy set of plains and perhaps a sunset. The next thing in my dream was that I was with Jeff Hong (on this trip) and the question was asked, "What's gonna happen when all of this is over?" (ie I die) and I remember trying to answer, but my first response was something and he became immediately, visibly mad. Like passionately distressed, like "don't you know what this is all about?" Then I said "knowing God, meeting God" and he got more mad, screaming at me even. He finally answered the question by saying "Heaven" and I started crying instantly.

I guess it's like "to live is Christ, to die is gain," and eve3rything's going to be okay at the end, in heaven. But don't get me wrong - I am still distressed, frustrated, concerned, but not that concerned. I don't know. It's just annoying, strange, waiting for God to find me. But with the lens that I have, I don't know if I can see God, and I guess that's my pride getting in the way, and I always thought I was doing the right thing. It's nerve-wracking. I don't know if I'll get it back, especially having waited so long for these next few days.

I want to know what God wants for me, what He has planned for me. If I did, maybe my faith would be irrelevant. I want to know that God loves me, and that is plastered everywhere in the Bible, world, and my life, so I must be wanting something more, something easier, cheaper. I don't know what I want. But I don't see how I have "holy hands" and how God can want me and not have me as a burden, and it hardens because Mike doesn't have time to get deep with me and talk out my problems. I don't know. Guess I need to spend some time or make some.
(end - 2:34 pm)

7/1 overview - After departing from Tucumcari, a couple of hours and several failed campsites later (due to the dangers of forest fires, an interesting point to be made later) found us at some really nice RV park, christened by Sam and Mike as something like Jellystone National Park. It wasn't really that much like camping, except we slept outside in tents. But there were still bathrooms with showers and even a swimming pool. We got there and were given some free time, so mostly everybody went out swimming, but I stayed behind to hang with Billy, and ended up ditching him to talk to Mike about my various problems and came out feeling a lot better. Billy and I left and watched the sunset and I played guitar and it was really nice. We ate pizza, then had skit practice, which really got me psyched up. Ruth led the very first devotional on what it means to be broken and how we are called to it, how if we refuse to be broken, we are somewhat rendered useless.

(7/1 - time < 12:00 pm) journal entry
Funny how things change so quickly. I'm still, and maybe always, wrapping my mind around this, that feeling God is there and knowing God is there are two different thingsw. We want to rely on our senses and what we feel, but we feel sometimes that God has abandoned us, which is not the case. Or we do God's work and we feel like crap - our qualities and truths around us have, in fact, so very little to do with what we feel towards it, or simply our perspective regarding the entire incident. [Even when we feel so distant from God, we are not. Even when we cannot feel God's love, it is there. Even when we don't feel like sons of Christ, we are. There is a song that says "Even when my soul is so tired...I will lift my hands to You...I exist for You." Note that it is not "Even if," but simply "even when." Obviously we cannot feel God is there all the time because we are inherently wrong and He must find a way to teach us this - the idea is to Praise Him in the Storm."] [It has a lot to do with discernment...]

I talked to Mike for a long while and it was interesting seeing how he would struggle in just the same ways I would and do. He also mentioned that, for somje inexplicable reason, it is just so much better knowing God is there or loving or anything without necessarily having to feel the same way also. It makes the miracles more miraculous. We talked about pride and how we want to sometimes approach God in our own ways and God just sorta wants to show you something now, but you're/we're not willing for that. And how Mike took an altar call and stayed for several hours just waiting for a blessing before much later seeing that God just doesn't work like that. To quote a Donald Miller book, He's simply not going to jump through our hoops, just as I had disguised my prayers by saying "Meet me here; talk to me; why don't You teach me something?"

I think the hugest thing that doesn't end is how we live our lives - in that we do so, not for the sake of being right or worng, but for the sake of being found right in the Lord. I think I will try to stay away from "right and wrong" arguments for...forever, but it is really what the human mind will reduce anything to in order to validate a point or action or character - that I am right and you are wrong. Mike says the case is usually that both are wrong - instead of living to be found pleasing to men, priorities should put God in that spot first. DL Moody did that, almost like a challenge to see how much God could work through him, so he did all of the sacrifices and had his priorities in order and I think he was found right in God, by God. How everything we do should be for God a - lesson learned so continuously - that we should choose to do so over man's approval.

Billy interrupted by asking if we could go down and watch the sunset, so I went with him and played guitar. The view was pretty amazing, and Billy and I sang softly to God of Wonders because the sunset is something that takes your eyes off yourself and makes you wonder what else is left unknown, unseen, making you feel so small. In all honesty, I feel alive again. This is where I want to be. We are at a campsite, the weather is relatively cold, and God, well, God is there...everywhere I look, He is there. I started to think how great, seriously how great, it is to be loved - to know that there is someone out there waiting for you, just trying to make you enjoy life. That they would die for you...it's a kind of thing unfathomable.

We watched the sunset and I played "Grace like Rain," and then we ate pizza and we practiced the skit. And in no way I am kidding when I say that God being here not only makes the skit awesome, but will cause people to listen and question and apply. With God, I think it could have a great impact. It was written between Jojo and me, about a college student named Joe who puts his trust in things like his parents, girlfriend, gambling, and soon loses it all, and faces almost inevitable death. Right before he is meant to be executed, he is given a Bible and a flashback and prays out of his desperation that God will not turn His back on him. There are several parts where Joe may speak openly about his faith and why he has rejected God, and I think it is great because what Joe will say is what all ofus have felt one time or another in our own internal debates. When a shot rings after Joe's salvation prayer, he believes that it is over, but his executors say something like "Why didn't he go down?" and run away, leaving Joe to the discovery that the Bibler he was given has stopped the bullets. He will be using my Bible and out of disgust in his monologue, might hurl it to the ground - I think this will speak to people. God still saves Joe after he destroys and defaces His love letter. The play ends with the stagnant lines "God is real. He just saved my life," after which someone will come up and give a brief testimony, leading to an altar call. No kidding. This is missions.

We did not act the final scene, of Joe's rejection and later salvation received from God. I got to act out the break-up scene between Joe and his girlfriend with Aileen, but I think the real roles will go to Jojo and Cynthia, as they are both strong in the roles. I hope to give a testimony sometime before the opportunity is gone - I love my salvation story, and the idea of God speaking through me.

Ruth had a devotional/Bible study, about brokenness, which is pretty profound, because we are called to it - to have broken souls. It is challenging because we don't want to be broken - we don't want to have to submit or be subject to constant change. But we have to - we have to conform to the shape of the HOly Spirit, just as hiking boots must be broken, or else they will be uncomfortable and without purpose. In the same sense, God breaks us to be able to use us.

We are meant to reflect on the last scene of the skit, as well as how necessary it is to be broken. It is a late, cold night, but God is here and speaking, so I will continue in thought and pursuit. In Jesus' name, I live. Amen.
(end - 7/2 - time > 12:00 am)

7/2 overview - We went out somewhere (in Albuquerque) and visited the market after having a talk about how these people are controlled by territorial demons, very subconsciously. So they do things with significances they don't even know about, like worship fetishes or submit their lives to things like sacrifices to evil spirits or things of the sort. We walked around the market and saw all of these paintings and dolls and it was pretty amazing to feel like something was wrong and really listening to people say things like "did you feel that? it just felt wrong." We walked by some "Catholic" church and passed a plaza where we thought we were going to perform our skit, but we ran out of time. A woman sitting on a bench stared at me. That would be a recurring occasion for all of us. We ate lunch at a Mexican restaurant, and I got fajitas with some incredibly spicy sause. We rushed over to some Indian history museum, but we missed most of the "powwow," which was a bunch of guys performing an authentic rain dance. Jeff got freaked out by our tour guide, because there was an instance when the guide just stared into Jeff's eyes and there was something about that. I think it is great and appropriate that we can get freaked out on things like that. Anyways, we went out looking around at Indian history and parts of their culture and parts of the religion that had been hidden underneath the culture, and it's hard because Indian culture and religion go pretty much hand in hand. They kind of believe that we came out of the underworld and, out of ignorance or something, we through the earth out of balance, so now we are supposed to do rain dances or things of the sort to bring the forces of nature back together. But there is also a lot of Catholic influence, so they acknowledge God and everything, and apparently the idea of one god, but I think the whole thing is pretty inconsistent. A lot of people got freaked out. We ate at Arby's after we took a short hike around the Rio Grande and then returned back to the campsite, where I was feeling a little down for a while, but the whole night culminated in a Bible study sorta led by Billy and I about what we had been learning, and I really thought that was great.

(7/2 - 11:30 pm) journal entry
I had a dream. Everything that we just did in the van was it. Billy and I had a Bible study - we just talked, but we found God there, and Billy and I were like small group leaders helping some find God, especially myself, having spoken in a certain clarity I have never had. It started simplyu as Phong and Billy, but I joined, followed by Jeff and Yang. Then skit practice was cancelled, so we talked very really about what God was showing us, and how all of what we had known had been changed. We talked about ATF and doing things to be right with God and how to talk to people and how God gives us all words, and how feelings have so little in determining what truth is. How I would get so mad at myself for nsot being happy after some kind of spiritual revelation had occurred. I felt like a mentor, not to say like I"m superior or anything or I'm more valuable, because I'm clearly not. It just felt like I was really helping people see God in different ways.

Before that, I was somewhat upset because it seemed like I didn't have anything to be excited about. It is awkward because I still have an idea of what I want things to be, and God continues to give me something else. Though it was rather interesting, because listening to Hillsong in the van listening to Mike talk to Billy was the first time I really didn't want the car ride to end, apparently the same way I will not want the trip to end. LIstening to song lyrics like "the cry of my heart is to bring You praise from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out." To know that I am with people running the same race of faith.

After I heard Mike talking to BIlly and commenting about Hillsong's lyrics, I decided to take the initiative and ask Mike if I could lead a BIble study on something - I'm not sure. Walking with God, I think, because I would talk about "bringing God praise from the inside out" and doing things for the sake of being right with God and how Enoch cfhose to walk with God and not with man. Meanwhile, in the van, we somewhat encouraged Phong to lead a Bible study on how he has been forced to deal with worries and anxieties, as it seems God has put that on his heart. (We also talked about how life was so much more than science or biology and how Jeff has to take arguments about evolution, and how these arguments quirk us.)

I love the idea of being active, of being a leader with responsibilities that people at least count on to come through, maybe because I am commonly faced with self crises as to whether I matter. God would be more than quick to say that the life He intends for me is one in which my position can glorify His name, where I can have His will be done. The devotional Billy and I just led...it just felt so great. All of us were learning new things, all of us being brought closer to God as well as each other. Make no mistake about it - God is here and changing people, and the progress that is being made is very undeniable, how every one of us is being blessed, every one of us will experience the light of walking with God.

And God made it all possible, so we lift His name. We give our hearts, our lives, everything - in this real pursuit. And in it, we will know our prayers will be answered, our necessities provided for, and our lives fulfilled. Very seriously. The Bible study ended: "In Jesus' name, we live our lives. Amen."

Prayer goes out to everyone here, to the skit's impact upon its performance, praises for safety and rain, and praises for being real with God in who we are and what we will be put up against. Prayer for all of our families back home, the remainder of the missions tirp, that our hearts be opened to Your voice, and that we would respond to the mission laid out in front of us. Prayer for my sister, God bless her.

This is great. This is my dream.
(end - 7/3 - time > 12:00 am)

7/3 overview - We left "Jellystone National Park" and after yet another road trip, found ourselves in Santa Fe, at a rather nice hotel. (Our room was Richard, Billy, Phong, Jojo, and me.) Once we got there, we had free time for a little bit, so most of us went out swimming. I stayed and hung out with Billy for a little bit, playing guitar, then we both left to go swimming, and it was pretty cold, but there was a hot tub, so it wasn't that bad. Mike came down and eventually told us that we were going to get a 28 inch pizza. Later, we ate that pizza. Then I led a devotional about being right with God being more important than being right with man, but I think most people only got out of it how if we really understood God's love for us, then we would hardly do any of the things that we do. Lydia also led a devotional that morning about the great things, even anointings (they are called) that we are called to, about preaching the Gospel to the lost and showing the way to all of these people that are broken. We also took a class on orienteering led by Sam. Mike left with Ruth before us, so we had to use our newfound orienteering skills to tell Sam how to get there (and it was cool because we messed up in our logic, but still went the right way). We stopped and ate at Waffle House and played the jukebox and one of our vans eventually broke down, so we drove around to about three places until we found one that worked, which turned out to be a real blessing, because the new van we got had four wheel drive, which would really help in the days to come. We also stopped at Starbucks to wait for the rain to pass us (we could see it coming...seriously) and tried to do the skit, but it didn't really work out. Then we hit the hotel and swam and ate and I led and I went to sleep happy.

(7/4 - 12:14 am) journal entry
This is the semi-general outline of teh devotional I led, that made several people fall asleep and lasted around 45 minutes:

An unrelated intro how a squirrel fell on my car and cracked my windshield
Reading from Galations 5:16-20, and unanticipated second reading
How if we really realized how God truly loves us, we wouldn't have to keep looking for things to be fulfilling, or trying to have fame or be better than anyone else
How God's love is really what completes us and that's all we ever really want - we want to be loved
How God, being the only one that matters, should be the focus of our lives, and we should live to be right with Him, not to be right with manf
Thesis (unclear) - we live to be right with God, not for the sake of being right or wrong, with man - we don't live to serve man, but to serve God, which leads to serving man
Example how prosecutor at ATF skit took serious beef for following God's plan
"From the Inside Out" by Hillsong with closing prayer by Mike
Mike says how one old church philosopher was talking about how the day we tame the waves and earth and so on will be the precursor to the day we realize how to harness this power for God - like the second discovery of fire...that's how big it is to realize God's love

I think most people were stopped in wondering what it would take to see God's love, realizing that it is at some neverending depth. It wasn't supposed to be my thesis, but I think that's what most people understood of it. I think the Holy Spirit was there and in me, because I am very tired and can recall very little of what I said, and I think it had a genuine impact on people. I got Jojo to fdall asleep. Richard also fell asleep, but he said it was the fastest he had ever fallen asleep...supposed to be a sign of peace. He said I did have an impact. It felt good, thinking I made a difference, that Ruth could be proud of me, that I had served God and served my group simultaneously. It is just a good feeling. It is more than that. It is a good progression or experience or sharing - it is real that God has made a difference through me tonight. For which I will praise.

There is little left. We had a 28 inch pizza for dinner, and we switched out one of our vans for another one, and the sky views were amazing as were the random spurts of rain. We practiced the skit outside of Starbucks and we are currently staying at the Legacy Hotel in Santa Fe. We have gone a long way. It is an anointing.
(end - 1:03 am)

7/4 overview - We woke up and the first thing after breakfast and loading up the vans was to find ourselves at some random local park, where Phong led his devotional about worrying and not worrying and how God proves himself faithful amidst our worries. Mike played a worship set and at the end, we looked behind us and saw a giant cross that had formed in the sky out of clouds. It was pretty cool...check out my pictures. Anyway, we were planning on going to an Indian pueblo, to kind of observe, but we stopped at Wal-Mart to eat at Subway for lunch on the way when news changed and it turns out all of the rain we had gotten forced the forest fire cautions to be raised, so we would be able to go backwoods camping. For this, we headed the other direction to the middle of nowhere where we would be backwoods camping the next day to check out the area. It turns out we ended up climbing up Panky Peak and doing a lot of worship up there and eating MRE's (meals ready to eat...it's what the military eats) and it really was a great experience to be on top of that mountain. Something I would give a lot to do again. Sam spoke a little about how we bring rain with us and how we could really be that important to God that He would lead us with it. We came down and then watched Sam drive around with Phobos and Tromos running alongside at high speeds, and eventually turned back to go to the hotel, where we swam for a little bit. A group went out to Coldstone, but they were closed and they eventually ended up at Sonic and it was cool because they bought me a shake and some Popcorn chicken without my request, but they came back in the rain. I thought it was a great day, because we had really been unified as a group. I stayed up late to write about it and then pranked Phong back.

(7/5 - 12:41 am) journal entry
Today would be a "Best Day of the Summer" nominee. No kidding.

We woke up (Richard, Billy, Jojo, and I) to having been pranked by Phong, who wrote "slp mode" on all of our ankles while we were asleep because it turns out he doesn't really sleep at all. We spent the rest of the day wondering how we would get back at him.

We went to a random park to play worship and for Phong's devotional. His main song was "Who am I?" from Casting Crowns, which is actually a revolutionary kind of song with endless good points and an amazing grasp on our relationship to Christ ("I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow...still You hear me when I'm calling, Lord You catch me when I'm falling, and You told me who I am - I am Yours") Phong talked about how he felt separated from God and he had all of these worries in his head, but God still came through for him and resolved his anxieties. Phong really likes the ideas of praise and worship and feeling God's love - more so, he chooses to embrace this part in knowing God - to me, it is simply the simplicity of it all that is an inspiration. How it is almost like "No questions asked. I am content just being with You." Mike sand "Trading my sorrows" - that is the simplicity of it. God transforms and changes, sorrow becomes joy. After a worship set, we looked behind us to see a completely empty sky, besides a bunch of clouds that had actually formed a cross.

The plan was to walk into an Indian pueblo - essentially, walk into the enemy's side ruled by territorial demons and inhabitants blindly cursed by spiritual matters. They worshipped a huge waterfall and danced spiritual dances for it - very clearly noting its religious significance, some travel guide stating that it is not a performance. We were going to go fishing in it, but plans changed. After brief lunch at Subway in Wal-Mart, we soon learned that the fire cautions had been lessened, so we could not only go backwoods camping, but also have a campfire and things of the sort. This is rather amazing, as Mike and others have been praying for this area to have rain to open up possibilities for us as a group, and we have witnessed several intense rainstorms since our arrival in Santa Fe. [In retrospect, as it turns out, the people of this area had seriously not gotten rain for something like a year. When we came, we could not get it to stop raining, which unfortunately led to the continual flooding of our tent. However, such was our effect. We would go places and some would tell us, for the sole sake of telling us, that it had been raining like it had never been before, for something like two weeks. Sam had a conversation with another man somewhere that concluded with the man saying, "Maybe you brought it with you."] For this reason, we left to Pecos National Park to prep for tomorrow's camping excursion and ended up hiking up Panky Peak.

The thing about it wasn't very exciting at all until Mike started playing worship and he and Lisa seemed to really get into it, how this dry, desolate, lonely land needed the rain and the blessings of the Lord. I started to look around - being on top of a peak, the mountains were obvious - and also saw how everyone would become "someone" in God. I saw how this was basically everything I ever wanted - to have gone through a jouirney and to be watching God's work in the mountains and the people around me and I think I had peace, because I didn't have any fights to picks with God, or He didn't condemn me. I was just amazed how God was and is so much in power, and how He brought us all to wherever we are, and I enjoy where I am, though contentedness with it is dangerous. God will always have more for me - more tests, more lessons, more exhilirations and experiences, but as we really grow and mature in the Lord, He makes our lives pretty much everything we ever wanted. He justifies our existence.

Watching the mountains and praising God there with the light breeze and even feeling God there and smiling - it was the first time I really felt like everything would be okay - that God would deliver me from struggles and it wouldn't be long before I found myself again pouring out a sacrifice in the mountains, knowing God had brought me higher once again. I had taken off my shoes because I read about a preacher's first sermon and how he took off his shoes because he knew it was holy ground - this was holy ground.

Sam talked about how all of us really do make a difference - even the weakest CHristian, having God. And exclaiming how we had been followed and blessed by rain - and how we are really that important that God would do such a thing so others could see Him or we could see Him or meet with Him (then again, He also died). How we will come into the enemy's lines - in New Mexico or anywhere - and for us to really carry Christ will make the place holy - God in us will make the difference. It will change an atmosphere or bring rain or open eyes - so that we can go into a desolate land of dying cacti and no wildlife besides cows and coyotes and I can feel like the ground I stand on is holy ground. Mike spoke of an area where God had been presented to both sides of a field - both which were equal in resources and morale. Years later, the side that had accepted God was flourishing - the side which had rejected Him was barren, much like New Mexico.

This was the day I had waited for, the prayer session I had prayed for, the relaxed and fulfilling kind of environment to fuse a fire and shatter doubt. I spent a year since Mexico trying to get there, facing struggle and test after test and occasionally failing miserably - but God delivered me. He got me to where I wanted to be - with Him, without a worry. We watched Phobos and Tromos keep around a 20 mph pace for a while as they followed Sam, and we spent a while simply hanging out, watching the dogs run around and being amazed since Mike said there was more going on than we could know. We plotted more ways of how to get back at Phong, including gluing his eyes shut and drawing eyes on his eyelids. Driving around at night, the frequent firework going off, we still discussed pranks, but that was after we had actually gotten Phong back. The point is that our van was laughing and had exhausted itself in laughter and we had not only progressed individually, but as a stronger and unified body.

I asked Mike if I "could go assert myself," so Mike let me out and I ran to the other van and grabbed Phong's Hot and Spicy BBQ Chips, which he had treasured. A couple seconds later,a scream came and he charged at our van, but we maintained possession. We ate basically all of his chips, though very spicy, and stopped for about a minute in the middle just to laugh at him. There was a blue sky as well, adn we listened to Phong's iPod, and I felt like we were a real group of guys who could find strength and accountability in one another. Now, however, we are all fafraid to wake up, knowing that Phong might strike back at any time. If he does however, then it's on and everything goes., It was simply a lot of fun and laughter.

When we finally got back to the hotel, it was about 9 or 9:30, so we swam in the pool until it's close at 10. I talked to Billy for a while, and everyone else came back from Sonic in the rain. We wrote a song called "Wake up Jojo." It is brilliant.
(end - 1:31 am)

7/5 overview - We packed up from the Liberty Hotel and left to go do laundry, while Mike, Lisa, and Sam stocked up on groceries and whatnot from Smith's (the Wal-Mart equivalent) and we got some Carl's Jr. for lunch. The campsite that we had visited on the 4th of July we returned to, rather late in the day, and we arrived at our spot after about a half mile hike. After the time it took to set up and have firewood gathered, we had a strong campfire going and we made Hobo Sandwiches or Hobo Burgers or whatever they're called. Just a bunch of potato and meat with vegetables thrown in, and I got mine with a bunch of grass, which really didn't bother me that much (no comment). Then Billy led Bible study about how he thinks he has struggled in his faith for the past semester and how we all have these kinds of struggles, but we really need to press on. I forgot exactly what he said, but it was pretty moving. A lot about how we have to fall back towards the basics to really get to the heart of worship, and then Mike played a bunch of worship and God was there, and so was the campfire and the night, so it was pretty exciting and we all got into it and we prayed for each other and it was great, really something you just had to be in to believe. When we were done, Phong hung out with Tromos. He hung out with Tromos so much (or maybe it was so loud) that he got two demerits. We eventually all went to sleep.

7/6 overview - We woke up at around 5 or something because our tent had flooded, a recurring event, but it's strange because we always seemed to have energy. It was not only muddy, but cold and raining, so I went out running, because those are the best conditions to run in. When I got back, Sam and I went to go get one of the cars, which we pulled up towards the campsite (via alternate road) and picked up Lisa to go get all of the other cars. We eventually packed up and left to do laundry once again while Mike, Lisa, and Sam stocked up on my supplies at Smith's. So we traveled quite a while until we hit Pecos National Park or Forest and unloaded. It was about a two mile trail to the campsite, with a river and huge trees everywhere. I was facing some problems or whatever, so I cracked and pulled a part of the group back in the process. Our campsite was on the other side of the river, which meant we had to cross a huge fallen tree, just like in the movies. I didn't really pay that much attention. I took my guitar and played in a corner of the woods for quite a while, and sorta encouraged myself that I would follow Christ, and then I skipped dinner and went to sleep. Someone named Johanna joined us for the day's hike and after dinner, I heard she told her testimony about being a missionary or something like that.

(7/7 - 8:47 am) journal entry
7/5 - interestingly enough, my calling the 4th of July the best day of the summer was immediately challenged by the 5th of July, which was simply doing worship in the night around a campfire, in awe or something like that, trying to get back to the basics. I think that is something hard to do as long as you are fine - it really takes brokenness to get back to the basics. Billy was speaking, and he spoke truth - about how he has crises in faith and how he should be an amazing hardcore a Christian according to paper, but he's not, or at least he wouldn't call himself one.

He talked about, very frustratingly, asking Mike how many times it would take for him to realize that all of this was/is real. Mike simply answered "how ever long it takes" and then said that "God invented patience." Billy is really starting to get it. It's the life-changing kind of event that happened that night - the kind of event that just makes you run for it, "run to the battle" as was the ATF theme.

We did laundry that day, and I really enjoyed it, even unnecessarily. Then we drove around trying to find a campgroun and eventually found one with about a half mile hike and sore arms and shoulders. It is awkward because I want to carry everything, even if it hurts, and other people knowing it hurts, won't allow me to carry whatever I'm carrying. Yesterday, I took Billy/Richard's tent and tried to walk away with it so they wouldn't have to carry it, but then Richard sped up and took it from me. It is even more awkward because I think things will change if I do manage to carry a lot of things. Like people will simply stop and be proud of me. Even though I somewhat realized this and prayed about it, the significance of it was only yesterday, because that was when I was broken, or at least felt broken.

So Billy spoke truth when he led after dinner, but, you know, I am still concerned with competition, even though I spoke on it and how it not only isn't fulfilling (even if you win), but it really doesn't matter. Some song says "whatever I do, I need to feel alive" and one is alive in knowing truth, so whoever says it or reveals it doesn't matter so much as the truth is of God. So I just prayed what I had spoken on..."God, I want to be Yours, and that's it." Pretty much. I don't want to do great things (though I would like to for God) or be the best or have popularity or fortune...I just want to be God's.

7/6 - Jeff, Phong, and I woke up at 5:50 because our tent was flooded (Jeff got three hours of sleep). It was very cold, so I eventually went out running in the mud and cold, until I realized I might bget bitten by a snake, so I ran back. I don't know what the plan was, but the rain couldn't have helped, so we went 5 times across a "rodeo" of mud to get the cars to the campsite. Breakfast and we left to the laundromat to wash our soaked sleeping bags, then to Sonic for lunch and off to our next campground somewhere, about an hour away. I was having a weird day, because I was trying to revert out of the truth that Billy had said and was getting mad, selfishly on my part, that he had and has been maturing as a Christian and a leader. I got mad how I wasn't getting picked for jobs anymore - it was either Billy or my sister, and I starting asking "What if" questions once the hike started, questioning significance, motives, strength. That quickly escalated into brokenness, but it might have been self-inflicted brokenness, because it was like I spent the whole day being ignored, and when someone might try to change that, I would push away, thinking it might make me virtuous. For this, I spent the hour long road trip with duffel bags up to my neck and eventually lost feeling in my legs - seems pretty stupid. But I never learned, I don't think. I never learned how to get what I wanted - I just learned to be submissive. I never learned how to swim, though I think my dad tried to teach me when I was young - I think that is weird. It was my best friend who taught me to ride a bike, my cousins to blow bubble gum bubbles, and my friend to snap my fingers in history class freshmen year. I never had someone to validate my manhood or my existence or importance though - not really, except God, which is hard because He seems to abandon you at times. I read a book about growing up without a father and how it affected the author because he never felt validated in anything, but he learned to deal with it and not be alone and acknowledge God as his own father. Maybe that was the significance of my day too.

It was about a two mile hike, mostly uphill, along a river and beautifully tall trees, gorgeous even. It was beautiful, and rather unnerving that I would stare at my feet, picking myself apart, instead of enjoying the scenery, the journey. I would struggle with all the things I have mentioned and fell to the back of the group, with Mike and Lisa. We talked, but it didn't really help that much - either by my unwillingness to talk or my unwillingness to listen. My batteries we3re dead, but I had been listening to "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay, and tried to have Mike listen to it, but my batteries were too dead. He said he used to pray to this song - and I was somewhat surprised because I hadn't actually listened to it until the bus ride here, when I listened to it over and over until my battery died. I didn't listen to Mike though. I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay, but he said the real thing; the "big picture of Christianity" is that it hurts, and everybody misses it. He said I was beginning to understand brokenness, but now I am unsure whether I truly did or not.

I continued to lag behind the group after I cracked down, walking subconsciously slowly, or perhaps consciously, to think and wonder and process the scenery around me - tall trees and the river and the sky and people who waited for me even as an inconvenience. I hated it because I knew most of the answers to all of my questions and couldn't see why I couldn't just stop and believe and havec faith. I knew the right answers, but I don't think I like things the way that they will be, at least I didn't yesterday. I probably do like things the way they are - I guess because that's the only way that resolves. The end is the only thing that matters.

After several minutes of holding the group back, I thought of "Praise You in the Storm" from Casting Crowns and began to speed up. When I remembered, and maybe for the first time really related, the idea that part of faith is intentional, I just took off running. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to be done or something like that, and obviously that's the only way to really beat your trials, or the world as 1 John says it. You beat it by faith, sometimes intentional faith - of that race, we run, especially when times are hard, so we can run with greater joy with grace and God. Mike said two days ago how life has to have these bumps to make things interesting and fun - he said it like we were meant to enjoy the game - life - even its challenges. That the challenges themselves were what life was truly made of - that we should take joy - really take joy - in being challenged and broken, because that is the only way we are ever made better, even brought closer to God.

The two things I learned was that part of faith must bve intentional, adn that we should go back to the basics. I don't really know why I am embracing Christianity or what I like about it or what the road has ahead or whether I can do it or be willing to do it or if I matter or anything like that. I am just embracing God, in real simplicity - I don't know what I get or what I'll go through or whether I'll even make it - you know, I'm just going to try to follow Christ. I don't have much of a reason. Besides it feels right and that there is a promise of New Life - well actually, I guess that's why anybody ever believes. Along with "we can't do it alone," I guess that's really all there is to it. There shouldn't be any fashion or political statements or social or financial benefits or anything. I guess it really should just be about following God, because He's the "it" we're looking for.

When I got back to the campground, I took my guitar and played worship in a corner, sitting on a log facing the indistinct woods in the night, watching the moon disappear. And I learned pretty much everything I just said. I don't know whether it is of revolutionary or life-changing proportions - whether I am any different or will look at anything different. I didn't make any promises or commitments of what I would do with the rest of my summer or when school starts or my life. I don't know what I am doing. It is just believing, I guess you could say.
(end - 9:51 am)

7/7 overview - The day at Pecos National Park was pretty flexible and fun. We went around and got wood for the campfire, including this massive tree that Jojo, Jeff, and I wrestled down. However, we had to cut it up into smaller pieces so that it could actually be used, and it took us about half an hour at least to cut up a third of the tree using rocks to throw at it. We would put a rock on the log and throw a rock on that rock and the rock we threw would break...it was pretty fun though. Mike, Sam, Billy, and others all went fishing, but Jeff, Phong, and I ended up trying to write a rap to Wake Up, Jojo, so we stayed behind and never managed to find where they were fishing. Fish were scarce, and they didn't catch anything, which was our dinner, so we ended up eating MRE's. Richard led that morning's devotional about how it is important to not put people down and he talked a little about 2 Timothy 4:12 and how it's important to set a good example and I thought he showed a lot of humility in saying that it was something he struggled with because he said he knew he wasn't a very good example. Cynthia led a devotional later, around lunch maybe, about how it is important to get rid of self-seeking in our lives and really kind of devote to others. Yang led a devotional after dinner, using a lot of battle metaphors about how we are really fighting a battle and it is incredibly important that we know who we are fighting and that we are not split up internally and that we take a stand. We were going to have a massive worship set there, but we didn't because everyone was so tired, pretty much. We had also taken the time to thatch our tent because it seemed to be leaking again with the rain. Then we went to sleep.

(7/8, 7 < time < 8) journal entry
I talk about surrender like it is something so easy.

Mike wanted us all to reflect on what God has done for us, and where'd we be if we were controlling our own lives or controlling the universe, everything. You know, I like my life now. A life I wouldn't be able to imagine not more than two years ago. I like everything about it when God is really in control - I love playing worship, knowing truth, feeling alive, helping people out, not competing with my friends, watching a sunset, and currently feeling the coldness of this river with soaked shoes. I love it all. I loved a couple days ago being on top of a peak openly worshipping Glod, getting the feeling like this was holy ground and this was all life had to be - climbing mountains. I loved two days ago at a different campsite going with Billy to pray for Phong and then the three of us praying for Jeff. I loved knowing I am God's child, and He would give it all - He would leave everything for one person - me or you - He in us cannot lose, that we can do everything, that He'll never let go of us. I love being a part of this youth group and I love Ruth and what God has made her and Aileen and Billy and everyone for what God has made them.

I don't know what will be different in returning home. It will probably be a lot easier to lose focus, a lot easier to fall through the cracks of Christian standard, whatever that is. It might be harder to be who I want to be, or at least where I want to be, being at home with all sorts of responsibilities, distractions, and being in my comfort zone. I might have a harder time listening, a harder time functioning on lesser sleep, a harder time knowing all of this is real. Maybe that's why it's so important to acknowledge that we are always on the missions field, and God doesn't change, so He could be just as real today as He is in a month or the day after that. Leaving this place doesn't mean sinking back into pride, comfort, instant gratification - it doesn't mean playing the game of school and money and body - nothing to ever change. Nothing ever has to change.

As I write this, tears come to my eyes, but I don't cry them out. Tears of joy because this is God's gift, but I have no need for tears odf sorrow anymore because there is only forward motion left to do. How a man completely devoted to God would change the world, how a man, one man, could be immortalized by God's love, God's grace, by God. I tear up knowing it is God, the answer to everything, the Creator, master, and yet servant, of all things. Knowing the fight ahead is only impossible from my view - that I am in a real age or position that millions would give everything to be in - to be able to speak or touch in, because just by that they could give it all back to God. What is more alarming or intriguing or whatever is that this comes from surrender, and surrender alone. It's surrender alone. I can't do it. That's the point. Helpless and useless, but made anew - now I am God's. We all subscribe to some kind of savior, but God is the only one who has ever made anything work, the only one to understand and love.
(end - time > 8)

7/8 overview - I woke up early that morning because my sleeping bag was flooded from the rain, so I grabbed my mp3 player and notebook and wrote alongside the river in the cold. It was great. We packed up and left to Angelfire, I think, to meet up with Shelly Fay and help out with the church and anything that they needed. We first stopped at the hotel (Super 8) and then took off. When we got there, we gathered in Shelly Fay's living room in her really awesome place and shared stories and it was really great and I drank Hawaiian Punch. Then we went out and just started helping people and it was actually pretty fun. We did weeding and cut down a bunch of branches in the way and helped people move in - a whole bunch of things that would have taken the single family very long to carry up three stories a very many times. We also did something against bears, but I was in the weeding group, so I have no idea. It was really fun. The girls left somewhere to go do our laundry. The guys chased a rabbit around for a little bit and came pretty close to getting it. We then went to a restaurant called Zebadiah's with Shelly Fay, her strong missionary friend Ruby, and Johanna again, at around 9:30. Phong felt sick, but we prayed for him and he felt fine after a little bit. We heard Shelly Fay's testimony and then Ruby's and then Mike asked them to bless us, however long it took, and then they started praying on each of us with oil, baptizing people in the Holy Spirit. I didn't really get anything, which was pretty perplexing or annoying or something that I just plain couldn't figure out, but Billy apparently started speaking in tongues and then Phong got into the presence, and that was really all I remember or noticed. And Shelly Fay and Ruby were laughing like they were drunk, and they really were in the Spirit. I should probably admire that a lot more than I do. Anyways, it was a long drive back to Super 8 and I went straight to bed, which was at about 12:30 or 1:30.

7/9 overview - I woke up a little bit early and read the first couple chapters of Job, wondering how one was supposed to know whether or not he is right with the Lord. I later found that the only way you know is by communication, or I guess, the Spirit that is left in us. We ate breakfast, but I was still feeling pretty down, and I think it was a pretty long road trip, going back to Black Mesa in Oklahoma. We must have stopped for lunch somewhere, and dinner too, but I don't remember much of it, besides that it was a pretty long road trip. There was also a point where we stopped and crammed our van (about 5 or 6 guys) into a telephone booth, but Richard got out and smashed us in, for which he received a gold star. We stopped and set up camp at a campsite similar to our first one, called Jellystone National Park for some reason. Jeff, Phong, and I had determined that we would boycott our tent, because it had kept on leaking. So we set our tent up and not our rain fly and hoped that it would get soaked as we determined to pull an all-nighter. We went to Black Mesa and it was great because it was really dark, but I was incredibly concerned because I didn't know whether or not God would speak to me, because I thought we were going to do the massive worship set on top of it. As it turns out, Sam and Jeff went on ahead while we ate sandwiches for dinner, and we heard coyotes, which is an understatement. We eventually came back down. The whole thing was crazy cool because we were climbing up rocks and boulders and really rough terrain with cacti with our only source of light being the moon. I guess it was really something you had to be in to understand. When we ate dinner, I finally just stopped and talked to God. It was great. I was back...I learned that that was my problem. I had refused to talk to God almost my entire time there. So we drove back to our campsite and it was about 2 when we arrived, and a bunch of us had our own small worship set that I got to lead in the dark of our van because of the rain. Then we had a little sharing period and it ended that everybody went to sleep besides Phong and me. I woke up and ran and then I wrote a little more in this journal and eventually everybody woke up and we started to head back.

(7/10 - 5:20 am) journal entry
The dark shadowy figure walks up to Joe and says, "What about God?" Donald Miller has something like an entire campaign going on against the idea of a formulaic, predictable, get-rich-quick scheme God. He talks about the importance of treating Him like a person, relationally, and how one of the best things we can do is stop trying to reduce His character into something and, in accepting that we can't fully wrap our minds around Him, we lift Him up in worship. You know, and I was seriously, genuinely, trying to dedicate my life to the formulaic kind of God that isn't truth - and I wasn't thinking "what about God?" I was thinking something else selfish and corroding, and had made myself believe I wasn't. Truthfully, I had forgotten waht it means to be a Christian, what it means to hear "the voice of truth" and be confident in it.

We had our own short worship set/sharing time and Phong said the only thing we could do when we felt distanced from God was/is to pray. Hiking up Black Mesa in the dark, wondering if God would speak or whether I was right or wrong - essentially, that was it - we eventually reached a stopping point and for the first time of the missions trip, I really just talked to God (last night, too. man..) And it's funny because it was then and only then that I felt like I was finally right with God, unlike much of the times I had worried and tried to pick my way through it logically, but it really turns out that that was what had disconnected me from God. I see how talking to God, spending time with God, can make someone more like Him. I talked about Billy and how he spoke in tongues for the first time last night and how he laid down his life because he truly believed and knew that it was the only thing he could ever do and how I had some kind of stupid, unspoken competition with him, and realized how ridiculous all of it was and is. Just talking with God, like having Him take me back as a son, was really enough to feel His love - I felt like I had so much to tell Him, so much to figure out. Part of it was like "aww man," but a lot was like "I should do this more often. I don't see why I don't already do all of this." But everything that preceded in this missions trip wasn't in vain or forgotten - I remember the feeling of peace and accomplishment doing worship on Panky Peak, the excitement from doing the skit, praying on people after Billy led his devotional, and doing chores for anyone who asked and didn't yesterday at Shelly Fay's neighborhood. Maybe more imjportantly, I will remember what it measn to be God-confident, to live off God alone.

I remarked earlier how I like my life, how I could enjoy watching it on TV, all thanks to God. "How He provides just more than enough" - I have been given good friends and fellowship, good thinking and upbringing, a lot of good. My sister wrote a letter to TCCC with the end reading, "I can look around and see that all of my necessities have been met." How very true.

I will remember: talking to God, worship on Panky Peak, the river at the penultimate campsite, our (Phong, Jeff, and me) tent leaking, my leading and Billy's leading, a dream about death and running, Shelly Fay and her energy, how Phong and I are doing an all-nighter to boycott our tent and the $11 we spent on energy drinks, hiking, love, God, Black Mesa, what ist feels like to be with friends, to be onto something great, to have God change a situation, to have God bring rain, to have God bring rain just for one, and how He's always holding on.

I don't know what has changed. It is only so obviouds that I need a hiking backpack, to walk with God, and that New Mexico has sunsets so much more amazing than Tulsa's when God brings rain.. In the re-type and edit of this, I will re-learn what I have learned and come to see God's completeness and how little I am - how it matters so much more to be right with Him. Yesterday, Phong's stomach hurt and he barely ate and Mike prayed for him and I prayed for him in the bathroom, and he was eating brownies in five minutes. Things like that should happen all the time. We never leave the missions field...a sunrise is coming.

[a little bit later]

There is a spirit of hope in the air. I have the urge to read 1 John because it speaks of hope and love and how faith overcomes the world.

This would qualify easily as an ideal moment. I am sitting outside at a picnic table, with this notebook, a Bible, an mp3 player, a can of Full Throttle energy drink, and a Space Pen in front of me. I just took a shower, but more than that... God is here. We seriously developed as a group, nsot to mention individually, though the missions services were rather limited. It was more like a trip to worship, and it is easily worth it - to stand on a mountaintop and pray, to watch sunset after sunset (to even see sunsets when yo uclose your eyes...I did that a couple minutes ago), to understand that God's plan for one's life is as unimaginable and powerful as God Himself is unimaginable and powerful. What we learned, not to meniton what I myself learned - unforgettable realizations of who we are and the world around us. THe importance of spiritual atmosphere, of serving God in serving man, in following directions, and in watching God intervene in our own plans, by sending rain or breaking our car, or stressfully cahnging our itinerary. What I learned - you know, I'm still finding out. How I would be the one God would leave the herd for (or anyone for that matter), that God never lets go, and that God in any one of us can do anything and cannot lose. How we serve God above all else, with others second, how it is important to actually know God in a relational sense, how God fixes relationships and takes us all through rough journeys to show us the life He has for us, how great it is to be confident in God and God in you, to sing the songs we sing and feel the praises and glories we enjoy, or were meant to enjoy. To be able to say "I did what I should have done," to be able to love and witness and overflow in the Spirit. How God fixes everything, and how hope and love in the air make a nobody into, well, truthfully, a somebody.

You really do find yourself outside of your comfort zone, outside of your cushioned protection or "convenient Lexus cages."

I had wanted to find confidence and humility. I don't know if I really improved on either - confidence is a conundrum and humility, well, humility, well, I don't know. I'm not sure if either can be taught. I would call both fruit, so perhaps it simply takes time walking with God and being broken and keeping focus to discover what it really means to have such qualities. But in terms of other things, I can't wait to go out and talk to people, to be unncecessarily happy, to be still on the missions field free from previously distracting temptations. I think it's called momentum.

The sun beats on my face. My mp3 player plays a strong guitar solo into a chorus reading "So what can I do to get closer?...I give You control because I need You, so take me there." It is only Phong and I up, as I take another sip of Full Throttle. It is true that minor energy drink usage with peace can spell an all-nighter. It is also true our missions work should not stop - how doing what God says will always be better, and faithfulness to the most unusual of demands will make differences perhaps insignificant or unnoticeable until one day when everything will change.

You know, I feel good. Phong, I know, has been feeling God's presence, and Billy has been feeling the baptism of the Holy Spirit. And we all have momentum - having travelled so many hours to follow God, we will return and continue to do the same - in school or at work or at home, or anywhere. It is like having a "Property of God" stamp on your forehead - knowing everything will resolve, that the adversity is well worth the result, and that true life lies in God. Says Shelly Fay, she's been going at it for 46 years(?), so she kind of knows what she's talking about. I would really love to know what I'm talking about, to know it with time and passion. Take the shots, the open doors, listen to the voice of truth and God and your wildest dreams. A life of no regrets. A life of no fear. A life of love. A life of God. We owe it to ourselves to seek that life. That's it.

7/10 overview - We all woke up and Sam spoke a lot about getting into a servant mentality and really serving other people in reverence of the Lord. We all listened as we shined and polished each other's boots, which I thought was pretty cool. A big part of his point was that we really do need to go up above the standard, even if nobody else will ever know, but we should still try to do our best regardless of the rewards we get from man, but the rewards from God, because we do it all to try to please Him. I got Billy's boots to shine, and I'm not sure how I did on them, but I really did try my best. It was around 2 when we actually started leaving camp, and we stopped at a Mexican restaurant for dinner and I got nachos and Phong got the shrimp dinner. It was a really long ride, and we tried to keep Phong up by playing Who Wants to be a Millionaire? because we had to pull the all-nighter, which is for some reason 40 hours and not just the whole night. We stopped at several gas stations and a McDonald's early in the morning, and we eventually reached home at around 4 or so, and I remember totally being unconscious of what was going on, and a little mad that I couldn't get the all-nighter. I think I blew it with two or three hours to go. But yeah, we returned home safely, quite late though, and it turns out that it was great. All of it. Ask anybody. It was great, but it also great to be back home.

(7/12 - 9:46 am) journal entry
We have been back home for about a day now, and Tulsa has never seemed any more boring. I thought the missions trip was wrapping up, but it turns out that it simply fuses a bigger missions trip, a bigger picture to see, how we take our mission everywhere. One thing I missed to mention was how I think Billy and I and probably a couple more of us are going to run long distances, more so for the mental kind of strength. Long distance running is really a great thing, especially to understand the idea of a race of faith (Hebrews 12). You have to run with a particular strategy, and you have to keep running even when you feel like giving up or you don't feel like you're strong - even if it is simply crawling forward, forward motion is really the only thing that needs to happen. You run into tests and challenges that can only make you better, but if you don't run them with sincere devotion, then you won't get that much out of it. And you can only run your race, not your friends' races or your siblings or parents, just like you can only truly live your life. And it's really a stupid idea to run a race with things holding you down, like weights or anything - so it makes sense that if you go out to run a race, you don't let anything hold you down. And God gives grace to run, and you can glorify God in the literal and metaphorical sense of running.

I went running this morning with about 4 guys from the cross country team, and I really did have grace to run. After about two and a half miles of feeling pretty tired, I separated to the front of the group with the captain, who I knew was a Christian. I asked him if he ever had grace to run, like grace from God, and he said he had and it was really like the runner's best dream and how he really enjoyed it. Then I ran a 6:50 or so fourth mile with him, and I think he had the idea that I had grace, because I had been mostly out of training for two weeks. All I did was ask him if he ever had grace, but it really turns out that so much more happened, though I am unsure what.

There was a small mention to a dream I had the first night there, about me running a little and then having Jeff tell me that when I die, everything will be okay, but living is for knowing and meeting Christ. Sam told me one day what he thought it meant, him being the first one I told because the dream woke me up instantly and I went outside to see him sitting there. I was running along, throughout a city, and saw a man openly worshipping God, and then I just ran away. Sam said that I have this kind of identity as a runner, because that's a lot of what I do, and it even came up later on a road trip that everybody has mad abilities and mine was evidently running. He didn't tell me to stop running or anything (which would have been an interesting dilemma), he said that it was something that God could use me for and something I can do to bring glory to God's name. He simply said that I don't have an identity as a runner, but really, sorta like the man publicly praising God - that I am God's, and that is where my identity lies. I shouldn't demand to be a runner or student or someone famous, I should simply strive to be God's. So if anyone ever asks me why I run, I know it will be a no-brainer and I will say God.

I made a new Yahoo account to use to play chess and talk to people, which is one of the things I had wanted to do upon returning home. It is named hopes4despair, which might spark some interesting conversations, but my first choice was kNOwLIFE and my second, that I actually created, i forgot almost immediately after I made it. That's what Mike does...he uses Everquest to really speak to people and just help them out with their problems, and he is a good player and everything, but he really plays for the people, not the game. And he's got some crazy awesome username that everybody just stops him to ask what it means...I think it is Hebrew or something, but it looks really cool and means "Seeker of Righteousness".

On the last morning, Sam spoke about how we really have to get that kind of servant mentality down and how serving man really does bring glory to God, even if nobody ever notices it. How we want to focus on the small, personal sacrifices that we have to lay down in order to help someone out, but we don't see what we will get from God - satisfaction. He calls us to be like this, to stoop down and wash each other's feet, to love our enemies, to not be so self-centered as to think we are above helping people. Instead, we lower ourselves, just as Jesus did in allowing Himself to be ridiculed and to wash His servants' feet. You know, and this got me sorta excited at the beginning, because I really do enjoy helping people out. I like doing more than I have to, to make a difference that I didn't have to make. But truthfully, I only really like helping out certain people in certain conditions. I mean, I really enjoyed - it was seriously "my pleasure" - to go to Shelly Fay's neighborhood and help people out simply because they needed our help, but that's only because it was carrying boxes up to the third story or weeding, and I was doing it with a whole group of friends that really would have made anything fun. I need to be able to do the same thing alone and with things that I really don't enjoy doing - like housework or whatever. The idea is seriously to go the extra mile, to exceed the expectation or the demand and to just give your all to man to serve God, because what we have is so much more than just our money or the things we give out. We don't have a life where man is - that was something that DL Moody established. He knew there was no purpose trying to hold on to things like money or even convenience - all to God. And God had Moody extend His kingdom.

You know, the whole idea of momentum is an amazing one, something that really just makes people come alive. Phong, Billy, and I had a Bible study yesterday at Starbucks, simply saying that we couldn't sink down to our previous lives without God, of fear and self-seeking and essentially comfort. After running today and feeling God's grace, it is great because I can look around and really think that I'm gonna be changed and different, that God's not going to let me fall down. I just go around praying for anything that comes to mind, really saying things I've never said before, really feeling confident in God to make my faith and be the focus of it and really feeling justified by the Spirit that I really do feel in me. I prayed yesterday night. I mean I actually prayed. It was great. I also looked back on my last week and a half and relived my memories, saw the different scenes - being on top of Panky Peak, playing guitar for so long in the dark after feeling an identity crisis, trying the all-nighter, climbing Black Mesa, feeling justified, feeling lost, but in the end, having justification completely. Having Phong's Bible study at some random park and turning behind us to see a huge cross in the sky, running so long in the rain and mud one morning after being woken up by the rain, functioning on so little sleep. Watching the sunsets, the views...if you look at all my pictures, that's pretty much it. Few pictures of the group, just a lot of sunsets. The point is, I can feel the difference in me. I feel changed, I feel like I will try to do this - try to surrender and lay down my life. Because after the long and exhausting hike up, God gives us a peak to look down from and holy ground to stand on, and for some instant, everything is fine. Peace and grace and anything you could ever imagine. We are justified in our faith, by the Spirit left in us. No joke. God is real. He just saved my life. Praises pour out and mountains will bow down, it's no joke that life is Christ.
(end - 10:22 am)

confidence is not being afraid of being strong or right. i guess the precondition is that you are strong or right in the first place. and confidence, being a character trait, doesn't turn itself on or off - it is like once it is developed, it will be there forever. i went to church this morning for about two or three hours and simply sat in the back while mike played worship songs and he played guitar with confidence and sang with confidence, and it occurred that he does the same thing when nobody is there just as he does when i am there or the entire youth group is there. his confidence is not going to change or even be very challenged by circumstances, so confidence can draw some parallels to faith.

confidence is like being strong and knowing it - you know, not trying to hide it or anything. the difference with being strong and not letting it shine is that you do not get the recognition you deserve (or are allowed to pass that recognition on to anything else). it is also robbing yourself of a reason to feel some kind of validity or approval, even though such praises should mean nothing. but if you're living for God, then you should do great things in His name and let people know about it - it's kind of like the city on a hill that cannot hide itself, and we shouldn't feel any need to hide anything about ourselves having Christ or anything about ourselves really at all.

the missions trip is, now, in two mere days, and it will be interesting because i will be seeing my sister for the first time there also. i will get to see how her life has changed and how long her hair is and how she has grown spiritually and she will get to see the same things about me, and that is something i am genuinely happy about. i want to show her what God has done to me. how i can play guitar and how my room is clean and how i have developed some kind of maturity. and there's another thing. i want to be in God's peace forever and not leave it, not be tired, but be aware and joyful at being in His presence. i don't want to have to struggle to get back in His presence - i just want everything to be in His presence so that we can go and talk like we always do and play a praise song and then go back to talking about normal things but never lose that kind of intimacy or consciousness about what is going on around us. though cliched, the idea that lives will be changed is not only completely valid, or necessary, but inevitable. we're leaving for God, the sole purpose of serving and praising Him. there is no possible way we will not be set on fire and get a glimpse of His will for tulsa and our schools and families and everywhere we go, because anywhere we go, there He is as well, and we will breathe/resonate His name by the way we conduct ourselves, at least for the aftershock. i remember coming home from mexico last year and just being on fire because God gave me grace and i just wanted to be there. so confidence will definitely be built, a confidence in God's promises and how everything will work out, no matter how bad things seem, and a confidence in God to resolve our own problems like with families and friends and internal wars like temptations and faithfulness.

wiped out from yesterday's events, i didn't go running, but ended up gardening for about four hours, though we probably could have done it much faster, according to jojo's dad. i actually enjoyed it...planting flowers and things like that. i read a book somewhere about how making things come alive, like planting flowers, teaches us what it really means to come alive ourselves.

we were supposed to meet at kaffe bona for a mini-Bible study, but gardening ran over (two hours) and i stayed because they were expecting our work to be done. my two cents, however, would have been about coming alive, a little like the song from Rebecca St. James that says, "You make me come alive." sometimes during praise and worship at church or at Friday night fellowship, i will close my eyes in prayer and upon opening them, will wonder whether i will see the world differently, more alive. i think i am starting to see these things, and how everything one sees looking around an evening, any evening, can be seen as beautiful, some bit due to it being God's creation. how great it feels, to see a sunset come alive or to have some kind of event come alive, so that in response, we can only come alive as well in wonder or delight or simple gratitude. the first thing on my list of things to pack for New Mexico was my glasses, because i want to be able to see the stars and feel the night and feel God and come alive.

we also got the monthly newspaper from Dr. Cary in mexico today, and it is inspiring to read how this is really what a mission is - in how they are all working very faithfully in listening to God in the midst of spiritual chaos and confusion. how they are caring so much for their pastors and their orphans and how they will get a new church because the old one is too small and will rejoice that it is in the middle of a witch market - rejoice. this is what a mission is, no doubt. you get the idea that Dr. Cary would have given everything to get to this point in time. you get the same idea that mike would have given everything to get to today, where he could sit in an empty room where he is the pastor with one of his youth silently amazed by God and what it will take to get to be where his youth and English pastor is. you get the very same idea that the Mr. and Mrs. Wu, departing for Colorado as God has led them, would give anything to stand in front of the congregation on Sunday and know that they are doing the right thing and know that they have an entire church backing them up in this decision, standing in front of God with their children being prayed for, knowing they are really following God's commands. you get the sense that this is really what missions is, as our calling.

the only thing i really remember about Dr. Cary was that he ran in the Olympics for the Mexican track team. and how he gave it all, all of his renown and his huge house, very consciously for a life of anonymity. to God be the glory.

it is hard, knowing that i am very close to independence and college, and how i will very soon be placed with a decision that will undoubtedly change my life. whether i will go to OU or Rice or Wash-U, and how my choosing, if it apart from God's plan for my life, will force me to lose something out of life. it is equally hard to understand the magnitude of what this missions trip will do for all of us - this is a moment, even the week, that i have been long awaiting, to be with my friends and my sister and simply God. a future awaits, and every decision or submission to faith plays an indescribable role in where we will end up. to God be the glory. we owe it to ourselves to seek the truth and seek the most out of life.

-excerpts from Donald Miller's To Own a Dragon

"we have to live it out. and that, in turn, increases our faith. it's like any relationship, you have to dive in, you have to let the relationship change you. we do that by obeying God. we submit to Him like a kid does with a father. Scripture says if we love God we will obey God. our occasional failures or our repeated messes don't negate the truth of that. It's cause and effect...we try to make obedience the cause and love the effect, but it doesn't work. we will eventually bag the whole thing. love comes first"

"people who have the authority of awful experiences, experiences that educate them toward empathy, and yet still have within themselves hearts willing to forgive. this, he went on to clarify, could be accomplished only through a deeply buttressed spiritual life. these people will be wounded healers. it makes you wonder, doesn't it, whether or not AGod calls specific people who have specific pain into the authority of empathy? we are the ones who will wrestle with security, who will overcome our fear of intimacy, who will learn the hard task of staying with a woman and our children, who will mentor others through the difficult journey of life, perhaps rescuing them from what we have been rescued... it is that we would not be arrogant victims, but wounded healers. i can only perceive this as a dignified calling."

today is not particularly a day i will forget, at least until the missions trip. today was a day of work and becoming closer to God, ending in an hour or so long praise session outside on my driveway with Phong. God is so amazing, to be in the presence of Him is life-changing. it is not something i want to forget. how everything about God is everything we could have asked for. we are blessed in that He provides us with everything that we need and He knows the best for us and He loves us - in that, He doesn't change. He always has His arms wide open for us, even after we turn our backs and stumble and don't meet His standard. it is amazing that we have the chance, and that He would give His life to let us experience real life.

how God has this calling for us, and it is only completely necessary that we give everything we have to it - that we give Him our lives. that in doing so, we will be with Him, we will have secured the opportunity to really know Him. how, even with trials and tribulations and temptations to come, if our faith in God and such a willingness to be obedient would be so strong, we would really know what it feels like to be closer to God, to know how great God is and how great it is to be able to be with Him. how our lives have been designed so that God is the only one who will ever work for us and how it is only completely essential that, our lives in His hands, we do what He tells us to do with as little hesitation as possible to spread His name and His light.

how this missions trip really will be life-changing for everyone and how we will be changing the world, and how we really don't have limits and we go out into the world right now and be ready to set examples of maturity. how there is the falling american public and the other end of the spectrum contains kids like us who are trying to understand what it means to love, and we call ourselves Christians, because Christ is at the center of our lives. how great it is to be able to say something like that - "yes, i am a Christian" or "yes, i have given my life to God." how great it would be to do such a thing. God's more than willing and ready to take our lives and transform them into something so much more rewarding and fulfilling - it is still our stumbling to understand and listen to Him. and even in such misunderstandings and shortcomings, God has patience and does not condemn us. He doesn't tell us we're not good enough and that we don't deserve to follow Him. He never turns His back.

if we could just never leave a moment like that, then we would know what we have to look forward to. what it means to really be with God forever. what it means to know that this is what life is meant to be - and how silly it would be to decide to spend life on instant gratification instead of this master scheme, from a God who, let's face it, is more relevant than ever and could not be any more important than He already is. to make a point: there would be nothing better than to give everything to Christ and to stay in such an awareness that any doubts or temptations would be instantly crushed by God's presence. this is what i have to look forward to in New Mexico, while we are changing lives and simultaneously having our lives changed by seeing how powerful God's love is in transforming, even in the smallest seeming of jobs. how, even if no one ever notices, God notices, and such unseen obedience is worth it because God cares.

that was about the last hour of the day. the first real hour of my day began with running, which made me tired, followed by stocking my mom's vending machines. i ended up at Border's and read for about an hour in Lee Strobel's Case for Christ and Donald Miller's Through Painted Deserts, both of which were reawrding in knowledge, both of which pointed toward the obvious conclusion that God provides and He is in the right and we should be spending our lives trying to get to the right, the truth. after stopping at the library, i returned home, sleepy and tired, and continued cleaning my closet. phong and jojo stopped by and picked me up to go sell space pens, which was somewhat successful (i need to go to Sam's club tomorrow to try to get permission to sell there on wednesday). a return to home after that was met by cleaning my closet more, the joy of eating dinner, followed by the cleaning of my room and phong stopping by to join me in my quest of reading. going through 1 Peter, but i only got through the first chapter because i was tired and i spent most of the time getting through the last chapter of To Own a Dragon.

in a brief conversation with mike, i referred to one time when he spoke of the importance of developing confidence and how one would go about doing so. i was interested to learn this had actually been picked as part of the curriculum during the missions trip, in which i will hopefully be enabled to lead some small group discussions or worship sessions, God willing. i told him i thought that was cool because i had chosen confidence as one of my goals for this "week to get it back." the only thing he told me was to pay attention that i had confidence when i asked the question - i knew what i wanted in asking it. could confidence be knowing what you want and simply going after it, completely regardless of any fear that you may be ridiculed or treated differently or hurt in some way? and that even in falling on your face in attempt, you did the right thing and won't regret it? anyways, that's my definition for tonight. interesting how God works. peace be with you all.

a minor sidenote:

i read a chapter out of Donald Miller's "Searching for God Knows What" about how what we should really be doing is showing compassion to everybody and trying to promote God's love by showing it to everybody and not worrying about what people might think of us. the idea is that we should not be worried about our value being confirmed by whether or not we are better than someone else or even the best in the world or even respected in the world. value comes from God. if value could come from being better than someone else, and that's really what american culture boils down to, then man would not be made equal and man would not Jesus, because the whole idea of Jesus is that He is the one who gives man value. being a better person will never matter in Jesus' eyes. knowing Him will make all of the difference, but trying to say one deserves heaven more because one is somehow better than the rest of his competition suggests that man needs no savior - that he is good enough. man is not good enough.

i say this because i am not happy. if i was ever good enough, i would be happy. if i was good enough, i truthfully think i could beat the system - that, strictly out of hard work, i would be able to fulfill all of my dreams out of my own initiative. that if i studied for a test long enough, i would get a 100 or if i wanted it enough, i would be able to outrun an Olympic sprinter or that if i trained enough and then wanted it enough, i would be able to outrun an Olympic sprinter. man does not control himself. there are too many factors in the way. i want to be able to say to someone like a girlfriend, "i know exactly what you need, and i'm going to make sure that you get it. i'm going to make sure that i'm gonna get you the very best," and very quickly, i don't know what that very best is and truthfully, i can't manage my own life or someone else's. maybe i can make myself or her happy, but i can't give the best because i, along with everyone else, have yet to discover what the best is. if we were good enough, we'd reach anything we set our minds to and that would be fulfilling. easily put, it's not - we're not good enough.

back to the book, Donald Miller is talking about how we need to embrace the whole idea of knowing God, rather than performing items off a checklist, because that is immediately simplified to being good enough for heaven. life is who you know - very clearly. keep me the same, but give me a different father and i will always end up a different person. if i had the right coach, i would have been seriously able to contend for some competition. life is relational - and so, we do what God asks. we love people, our enemies even, and the idea is that in doing so, we know God more and we promote His kingdom, which we look forward to enjoying.

Day 1 of the Week To Get It Back:

at church, daniel from OU talked about faith and how it is like bungee-jumping. before that, someone who had once attended TCCC spoke and rose the question "what would you do to follow Jesus?" this guy was disowned by his family. he says it's not that uncommon to face such a persecution, either by your friends or your family for getting so involved in religion. but you also get disowned by yourself, a point which he didn't make. it takes sacrifice, restraint from the idea of instant gratification, patience to change a mindset, and willingness to change, not to mention not being content with how things are. daniel talked about how bungee-jumping is putting your faith in a small bungee to save your life, and how once you jump off the platform (his was about 75 feet), you free fall for about 40 feet before it starts to catch you. and how you have to be listening to what the instructor is telling you or you can get seriously hurt and you can jump too soon, and you have to have the right equipment, and you are going to be the only one who can take the jump.

and with God, you really do have to listen to what He is telling you and you have to be prepared to be able to take the leap of faith. and if you jump too soon, you're going to fall until He catches you. but you also put yourself in a spot of danger by being disobedient, and we are really jumping for anything that God calls us to. maybe it's a dream like becoming the head of a giant revolution, or maybe it's something simple and not necessarily elaborate. something like quiet subservience or a life of anonymity. would it be worth it? no one's going to lie. it's worth it. whatever you have to do to feel the glory and exhiliration of the experience - maybe that means jumping off to a life of waiting and nothingness, but i don't think God would keep us waiting. i think God would have our lives read just like the Bible - with action. "now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

the thing about faith is that it is really when our eyes are on God. it is when there is more of God and less of you...if it was only completely all of us, then we would have no higher purpose. "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."...to live is Christ. to live is not us, or having fun, or being smart or being revered. it's Christ. very simply put - Christ is the only one worth living for. and then to die is gain, because of what we have to look forward to. being with God. simple.

the youth crew heading off to New Mexico this friday was prayed for in the combined service. i don't remember much, besides thinking "we are Yours" and how we need to be prepared and enabled for it all to really be as amazing as it could be. it shouldn't be as casual as i have just made it. we're going out to find God and people will be changed, very simply. for our work though, we need to be ready to hear God's voice and at least somewhat ready to perform our skit and somewhat physically ready for the hike and work the church might have for us. so that's much of what this "week to get it back" is all about.

we ate lunch, and phong, jojo, and i stayed about an extra hour and a half helping out with the church, working the sound and then helping clear the brush around the church. i went home, and jojo and phong arrived later, with intentions to sell Fisher Space Pens to help jojo raise some funds. i did a bunch of house work and had some serious cleaning improvements on my closet. i enjoyed it. we sold only one pen (a Military Cap-o-matic), but received plenty of donations for Jojo, and we will be going to the Cityplex Towers tomorrow to sell, which should be mildly productive with God. it is notable that during a missions trip, God is working on both sides - the witness and the one being witnessed to. i guess this is the same, to an extent - God is preparing the vender and the consumer, or the missionary and the benefactor. preparing the missionary to be able to communicate his mission and preparing the benefactor's heart to give and know their contribution as a crucial one.

i tried to play worship and get into the presence of God, but it didn't exactly compare to what all of us have experienced before. it is notable that God knows what He is doing, and He has this master plan that works out in the end. i read in 1 Peter how the end result of faith is a saved soul. that is all anyone could ask for, especially considering that it is operating under the foundation of grace. i very briefly considered the possibility of rebuliding relationships when structuring this week to get it back. i left it out, but God has done some amazing things relationally with me in these past couple of hours. 4 months have flown out of the window in about an hour or two. time is a strange thing like that. i am counting on Him to come through with some other relationships, and such a dependence is really what i need to have and understand.

noteworthy song: Even When, by Seven Places:

[chorus]
Even when my eyes are dry
even when my soul is tired
even when my hands are heavy, I will lift them up to Yu
It's not about how I feel, oh Lord I am here for Yu
I exist for you

an intro to the "week to get it back."

[if you don't feel like reading Scripture, just come back to it later or something. i found the second one quite meaningful]

"and you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. so He humbled you, allowede you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. you should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you. therefore you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. for the Lord your God is bring you into a good land..a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing...and you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth, that He may establish His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day." Deuteronomy 8:2-18 excerpts

"therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of GOd, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. but may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. TO Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11

this isn't about me. if i could get that through my head, i would be better off. read a book earlier today that came from an excerpt from D.L. Moody, who is known for a quote that reads something like "the world has yet to see what a man fully devoted to God will accomplish" and his motto was "by God's help, i aim to be that man." that is an amazing kind of thought. we were very randomly picking worship songs that could serve as personal themes for the missions trip, and i picked a song called Surrender (by Vineyard), in which the first verse very simply states "I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights. I'm giving up my pride for the promise of New Life."

i hadn't actually thought of the reality of it all. to very seriously give up everything to follow God, which is really the only way to do it at all. to say, "i'm giving up what i wanted out of life. do with me as You please." to exchange a life of possible world renown for a life of anonymity. to give up everything we had held dear for something completely different. well, i hadn't really thought of this. i've still been wanting to compromise with sin, and i've still wanted to be my own kind of independent man, and i've wanted to keep the me and bring me glory. in that excerpt from D.L. Moody, he is exclaiming how it is so amazing that the writers of the gospels don't show up in the gospels at all - they don't even write their own names in it, because they realize that the whole thing has nothing to do with giving themselves any of the glory. the whole idea of following Christ is that He is more powerful as you become more weak, and that is supposed to be something beautiful, but i have a problem with instant gratification and i have learned that the things that i want are corrupt in their roots.

i've been somewhat of an idiot these past few whiles, which i strangely attribute to laziness coming from the void that school used to fill. i have belittled Christ and secretly served myself. it is my weakness in faith that allows me to be toppled by sexual immorality, the easiest of my sins to identify. but i should also take note of my lack of responsibility amongst my family, my lack of initiative to do something out of my life, lack of energy to have energy, and lack of devotion to God. i fell short. this whole summer, i've fallen short. the thing is: i need to get the fire back. true, a lot of me plain just misses how great it feels to be able to read Psalms and sing praise songs and know in my heart what i know is true when i read something touching in the Bible. but i should be a lot more scared that i have continually turned my back on God - that i have hesitated and compromised, and though i don't think God still expects me to be perfect, i think He really expects me to be devoted in my faith. CS Lewis wrote that it's wrong to feel confidence in our strongest moments and wrong to feel despair in our lowest, weakest moments - he said that the real right thing to do is to always know that things can get better, and not to be content with the way things are.

so i guess i'm sort of taking that to heart. i want to feel God again. i want to be able to know Him and feel His peace and have a focus and a purpose and just to feel justified in what i do...something i haven't felt in the longest time. i want to be something.

so i am documenting this week, leading up to my departure for our missions trip to New Mexico, a trip that i have been looking forward to for many months as some kind of spiritual milestone. the idea is that i will come searching for God, and i must be ready to give my heart to Him, willing to stop myself in my tracks in the face of sin and run for shelter in the Word. willing to truly revise my whole lifestyle and a lot of what i know so that i might invest in something so perfect and just i'd be an idiot not to. truthfully, this shouldn't and i really pray it's not about anybody else. i'm not trying to please or appease anyone. i just want to feel life, and that even though there are problems around me and i know i will only stumble in my future and my life might be torn apart, that everything will be okay. i remember feeling that...it was something great.

i'm going to try to maximize my output in each day. i'm going to try to find God in everything, i'm going to try to make myself a better runner, a better friend, a better family member, and a better servant. obviously, my problem with this logic, is that i am absolutely helpless and nothing apart from God's grace. and this will be my prayer: God, perfect me. make me Yours. help me love You...i need You.

these words are real things. i pray for confidence and humility, because both i lack and have a desire to know. i think things would be so great if i could just give my life to God and then fast forward to the end of the game. in the same way, it would be so great to see myself being humble and confident and my own man, dependent only on God, being able to support myself and even a family financially, emotionally, physically. i think it would be great to lie in bed at night, feeling the accomplished kind of tired. God will make me chaste just like a father would chasten his son...but how will i respond? it would only be foolish to retaliate, because apart from the Father, we are nothing. out of this week, the week to get it back, the goals are this: to feel like a real child of God (feel God's love), to be confident, and to be humble.